Don't Let Anyone Dull Your
*SPARKLE*
By
Tabby November 2014
To
anyone who has ever felt alone or misunderstood. And to anyone who
has helped someone in need.
Special
thanks to all who have helped me in any way over the years, no matter
how
small; you all are forever in my
heart.
Completed
November 2014
Basic
me
I have spent many years perfecting my ability to hide and fit in. One
of the most important things for me is to be able to do what people
want of me. I am plagued by a need to never disappoint anyone. I
always feel the need to be perfect, especially in the public eye, in
places such as school or a store; I feel the need to impress. I worry
about grades much more than my family does. I feel the need to be
able to do everything I am asked, and to succeed way over the
expectations. I fight to let no emotional swing or searing pain keep
me from giving the people in my life what they want. It's who I am.
It's how I roll.
Units
of me
I think each part of me is almost its own unit. My intellect, my
emotions, and my physical body, my magic side as well (but that is
its own story), each has its own job and its own identity. But they
work together. It's possible to function when one unit is damaged,
but it takes more effort. For example: unit 1 may be in charge of
digging the holes for the garden. Unit 1 has a large, strong shovel.
If unit 1 is sick in the back room, the other units can cover for
it, but all they have is a serving spoon. So, basically, if one unit
is not fully functional, the others can cover, but it will take more
time and energy.
Definition:
What are waves? Well, think of sound and light waves. My slower
cycles are like sound waves, and my faster cycles are like light
waves. In case you don’t know how light and sound travel, think of
a jump rope. By moving one end up and down you can create hills and
valleys. Waves in this sense are similar to light and sound waves.
Some are faster than others. The waves I experience are somewhat
flexible and do not always stay in perfect formation. Sometimes, the
waves arrive late, sometimes, early. They also can change intensity
based on the stress I’m under. Think of the more intense waves as
turning up the volume, louder and louder, or less intense, down
quieter and quieter.
Think of the unclear timing as trying to catch a bus that should
show up at 10:00am, but could be there as early as 8:30am, or as
late as 11:30am. When should you be ready? Is it worth standing
outside in a blizzard or 100 degree heat for 3 hours to wait at the
bus stop?
Regular
waves
Long:
Yearly
The yearly cycles for me go along with the school year. The added
stress of transition causes heavy emotional fluctuations. Longer
cycles like these are, for most of the time, in a high and happy
place. But at certain times it causes hectic emotional and physical
symptoms. Like a comet. For most of its trip around the sun it
does very little, but when it gets close to the sun (like me to a
stress point), a lot starts to happen.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uY5k9OfLD-k
(7 minutes or 10:30 minutes or all, if you want)
Short:
Daily
During the day, I have a loosely regular cycle. This cycle is a
regular average pattern developed over the years. On most days, I am
sad or angry getting up in the morning, and as I go to school. By
about 9:00, I am doing awesome. I have energy and feel positive. As
lunch time draws near (taking its sweet time), I begin to feel weepy
and often panicky and/or paranoid. I often feel helpless and
worthless. After lunch, I am often calmer and positive. Then about
4:00 or currently mid-afternoon, I get bursts of energy. I often
dance or just "bounce off the walls" about this time. I
become ravenous. For most of my school years, I have eaten most of my
daily calories between 4:00 and 6:00 in the afternoon. By 7:00-ish,
either my ADHD tendencies or my hyper- focus thought processes kick
in. They are often joined by anxiety and energy. When it gets to be
about 9:00 o'clock, I tend to spiral down. I become sad, weepy,
panicky, paranoid, angry – aka - meltdown material. Then I somehow
make it to bed and in the morning do it all again.
Monthly
As with many women, I have different moods and abilities at different
times of the month. Each month is a bit different. For me, the
average things I experience are: about two weeks after the first day
of my last bleeding, I experience some emotional stress. About one to
three days before my bleeding begins, the cramps start. They usually
get worse when the bleeding starts. The cramps normally let up in one
to four days. The other thing I have noticed is that my period will
either be mostly physical (cramps, back pain, intestinal issues,
etc.) or mostly emotional (strong mood swings, sadness and anger
easily triggered, strong reactivity). It’s unusual to have both the
physical and emotional issues strong in the same cycle.
Mind
shifts
Mind
shift definition:
Mind Shifts are when my outlook on life changes. This often happens
within a second. These outlook-on-life changes can last for an hour,
for days, weeks, or even months.
It’s like a water drop in the ocean. It has no clue how long it
will sit in the sea, but at some point, it will change its place and
float into the sky.
Bipolar:
What
is a bipolar mind set?
When I am in a bipolar mind shift, I feel much more like an insane,
crazy, mentally ill freak. I am less likely to want to be sociable or
want to function. I feel like I can’t be “normal”. In this mind
set, I feel much more concerned about what others think, and often
won’t believe it when I am told that I am not crazy.
Easily
reactive
In these types of mind shifts, I am often very, very, very, easy to
trigger. When triggered, I will often become sad, but there is also
a possibility for me to become angry. I often scare myself by how
strong and unpredictable my reactivity is.
Low
confidence
A common piece of this type of mind shift is that my confidence level
drops like a cannonball through water, coming to rest on the ocean
floor. So far, it has never fallen to the bottom of the western
Pacific Ocean at the southern end of the Mariana Trench. That’s
about as low as it gets (seven miles below the surface I believe).
This drop in confidence may appear to be insignificant, however, it
adds tremendous weight to problems by boosting the other symptoms of
a bipolar mind shift.
Violent
swings
During a bipolar mind shift, I can experience strong, violent mood
swings. It’s like a ping pong ball in a pro-game with five-plus
players being flung around and violently thrown into different mood.
Imagine the fear and pain of the ping pong ball. Or, imagine being
blind and in a pillow fight without a pillow to defend yourself - and
often it’s like your hands are tied as well. It is really scary
and I have found the only way to
possibly make it stop is to sleep it off. Three to four hours will do
it, if anything can. This is not just emotionally based; I can feel
it physically, as if I am unexpectedly shoved by some unseen force. I
often have to fall against a wall because of the force of the new
emotion pushing the previous emotion out of the way. These are the
kinds of fast cycling that I experience: giddy/overly happy, anger,
devastation, and terror, in the span of less than a minute - only one
at a time and each very strong.
Pudding
brain
In a bipolar mind shift, I often have trouble thinking and
processing. I will be listening to the teacher but she might as well
be speaking a made-up language. I can’t remember what happened
forty-eight seconds ago, let alone what I did last night. I might be
looking at the paper, but I can’t read the writing. I might have
trouble with speaking; it might come out in “baby talk”, a
different language, in gibberish, or there may be no sound at all.
Sometimes, with a huge amount of energy, I can make my speech
passable.
Numbness:
Random
numbness
Sometimes, a lack of emotion will come
out of nowhere, stay as long as it wants, and then go on its way.
It’s like part of you is somewhere else; like half of who you are
has been taken from you. It would be like you’re nothing. Your life
is upside-down. It’s like your best friend is spending the summer
on the other
side
of the world
without
you. When experiencing this, I
have little to no
reactivity, and virtually no
emotion at all.
Numb
from stress overload
When I get over-stressed - like way over-stressed - my brain puts up
a protective wall for itself by “unplugging” the part of it that
creates emotion. The result of this is a numbness that is actually
scary for me. I am not used to having no background emotion. I feel
as if I could just crumble - an empty shell of what I once was - like
an egg with the inside drained, a decorative instead of an edible
Easter egg, so fragile and so empty – like a ghost.
Professional:
Almost
no mood swings
This is similar to numb mind shifts, however, in the place of
emptiness I experience a boost of strength. It’s like I am lifted;
no longer am I on the bottom of the bottom. I am sitting high above.
I am out of the mess of cruel strength, violence, terror, and
nothingness. I look back on those things and have trouble
comprehending that I was there in the middle of those horrors. I am
like multiple, different people. When I am in this mind-set, I still
have mood swings, but not big, strong violent ones. In this mind
setting, I am no mental health trash, not able to do anything. In
this mind shift, I am a new person. I feel like I can do anything. I
am 100% functional. I am all I ever wanted to be, but it doesn't
last forever.
High
confidence
In the Professional mind shift, I have the most confidence of all the
mind shifts. I am able to manage almost any kind of stressful
situation. I can handle these situations in other moods, however, in
non- professional mind shifts, I have to turn off the “freak out”
part of my brain and act quicker than my brain can process to stop
me. However, in the case of a professional mindset, there is no need
for the quick action I sometimes need to confuse part of my brain,
because all the parts of my brain are completely on board with
anything that I want to do. There is no hesitation, not because of
lack of time, but because I have no need to hesitate. In the
professional mind shift, a stressful situation does not exist for the
most part, but the safety still kicks in when needed.
Super
girl personality
Sometimes, when in professional mind shifts, I experience the
confident girl I am in my alternate culture. I enjoy hanging with my
girlz and butterflies when in this mind setting. Nights following
these mind shifts, I often go out with my super girl friends and
allow myself to be back in the public eye. I have this confident,
caring, partying, professional mindset. (Yes, I know these don’t
normally go together.)
Small
reactions
In the Professional mind shift, reactions are very small, and
sometimes unnoticeable to me or an observer. In the professional mind
shift, I may get a small, short wave of nausea from an event that
would usually cause full-on heavy crying. Normal triggers such as
small groups, talking to new people, hearing potentially upsetting
news, etc. will have very reduced - if any - reaction or mood change.
Scale
Shifts
Positive
or negative:
Optimistic Pessimistic
Sometimes, my outlook on life changes from an optimistic to a
pessimistic view, or a pessimistic to an optimistic. In the
optimistic view, I am confident and positive, little things don’t
upset me, I worry less and have happier moods, my days go better and
I am more productive. Then, randomly, my outlook shifts and the
pessimistic views kick in. I struggle to get anything done, every
little thing upsets me, worry and stress control me. I often get
lower grades when I have pessimistic views.
Shift
the range of moods:
Range
shifts
Sometimes, my emotional range shifts. These shifts can be in any
direction on the line. This line represents every mood possible. A
slide that covers my range moves along the line of my mood scale.
This scale covers not individual moods, but the average in that slide
location. For example: move the slide in one direction and your
average mood will be positive. Move the slide in the opposite
direction and your average mood becomes more negative. This slide
can also grow or shrink in length. This will make the range larger
or smaller.
For a clearer picture, here’s an analogy: Picture a one foot ruler.
The 0 inch mark is positive with traits such as confidence,
optimisim, no reaction to normal triggers, and high productivity. At
the 12 inch mark is extreme negativity with traits such as constant
suicidal thoughts, refusal to get out of bed, refusing food, etc.
Please note that crying isn’t on this list. Crying is a reaction,
not an emotion, and is caused by many emotions. Most of the time,
using this scale, the slide ranges from about 3.5 inches to 6.5
inches. The ideal place to be is about 2.5 to 5 inches. It is
extremely unusual for a slide to cover areas above a 8.5. I think the
highest I can remember a slide getting would be about a 9.5.
Anxiety:
When anxiety takes over, I often have several symptoms. One big
symptom is that I can't eat. Almost anything I try gives me the
sensation that I am eating styrofoam packing peanuts. This emotion
will take me over . Like a drug it runs through my veins. This is
the main reason for most of my physical issues. This emotion can
completely take over my body. I often feel like someone else is
controlling my brain. This is the most common emotion that I feel. I
don't like not being in the driver's seat of my own body. Anxiety
covers a wide range of emotions - some of which are actually good
things - but when it gets to the point that I am struggling to
breathe and not able to get off the floor, it has gone too far. I
can feel the anxiety running throughout my system. It scares me.
But there is not much I can do.
Fear:
Fear comes in many intensity levels: scared is one thing. It is
characterized by a slight fear, feeling a bit of a need to leave.
Terrified is a higher level. Terror is past the need to leave.
Terror is characterized by the need to be in hiding, not moving. I
am a bunny in the presence of a coyote. I freeze and wait for a
chance to hide. This fear can happen anywhere. It most often
happens at home or at BNC/STC. I have no answer on why.
Torture:
Torture goes along with both anxiety and fear. It is both an emotion
and a reaction. Torture is when it is physically and mentally
painful to do a task. This is like the food example in the Anxiety
section. I get clear and specific chest and gut pain, as well as
pain in my arms, legs, and back. I have trouble breathing and
moving. On many occasions when I can't eat in the morning, someone
from my alternate family will stand over me until I eat (even if I'm
crying) because we know it's what I need to get through the day. I
am always thankful for that presence, even in the moment. Other
things that sometimes create this tortured feeling are homework,
showering, going to school, going to bed, and taking back library
stuff. Again, only sometimes.
Positive:
I have begun to use the term "positive" instead of "happy",
because to me happy seems to be associated with images of rainbows
and hearts. Happy is both non-descriptive and over descriptive.
Happy has little meaning, it is used so often. Positive to me means
that I am optimistic. The pain is almost (if not completely) gone.
I feel my heart become light. There are several forms of positive. In
its simplest forms there are three types: energetic, butterfly happy,
and peaceful.
In an energetic positive emotion I am often either dancing or in a
professional mind set. In butterfly happy, positive emotion I am in a
fragile emotional state. This means that I am vulnerable to
triggers. In a peaceful positive I am often sleepy. This type of
positive is characterized by feeling like I'm floating on a comfy
cloud.
Salty:
Salty may sound like an odd name for an emotion. I use it as a name
for a selection of mixed emotions. These mixes are characterized by
the confusion of the body (such as the desire to run/move as well as
the desire to hide), nausea, the desire to cry (but often can't),
pain in limbs and back, little or no shaking, trouble processing,
trouble reading and other language related things, trouble speaking
(ex. baby talk, no sound, not able to speak in English.)
Common
triggers:
I have lots of triggers. The problem comes when one realizes that
each trigger is only sometimes a trigger. To make things more
complex, some triggers will actually be exactly what I need.
Sometimes triggers switch and become coping skills. Most of the
things that trigger me are things said to me or to a loved one that
pushes some switch in my brain. It is very rare that something said
was intended to hurt, but my brain often creates responses that do
not fit the situation. Another big trigger is my not being perfect.
Things like incomplete homework can have catastrophic results.
External
vs internal predictions:
If you know me at all, you probably have experienced difficulties
making sense of , or predicting, my next emotion or reaction. Well
don't worry. There's no way for a person outside of me to do this
consistently. This is because - depending on what is going on inside
of me - something that triggers me may not trigger me the next time.
However, I
can see the flow and semi-guide myself into a different emotion. I
can predict what things will help and what things will make it worse.
However, this isn't always the case. There are times when I can't see
the road ahead. This blindness really scares me. It's like driving
at highway speeds through an obstacle course made of 10 foot high
concrete walls with the front and side windows of your car painted
with thick black paint.
Emotion happens first. The emotion is the cause and the reaction is
the effect. Emotion
is like the ingredients and the reaction is the cake. Different
ingredients will make different kinds of cake. Some make chocolate,
or vanilla, and some ingredients only make a yucky mess. The
combination of the kinds and intensities of the emotions will create
the reaction.
Meltdowns:
What
is a meltdown?
A meltdown is a strong, intense, scary, frustrating reaction.
Meltdowns come with varying intensities and combinations of reactions
Aggression
It is very rare that I will go after another person, but I will smack
my possessions around. Slapping furniture and walls is even more
common. In the past I have been able to keep the aggressive behavior
at home and not in the public eye. When having this type of meltdown,
I am scared of myself. Sometimes, I have the power to shrink the
outward reaction, however, doing this will make the rest of my day
into an unbearable roller coaster of emotional and physical symptoms.
Usually, there is no controlling it.
Normally the uncontrollable response is only a quick, short outburst
- such as slapping the couch arm. This reaction is caused by panicked
emotion or frustration. When panicked, the aggression will last
longer. When frustrated, the reaction is smaller and
shorter.
Crying
Crying is simple. There is evidence that crying releases toxins in
one's body. Tears can be instant and give me no warning, but at times
I am more lucky; I might have up to ten minutes to find a place to
cry. Crying is one of the few reactions I have that might give me
some warning. Tears are the most common of the meltdowns. They are
also the meltdown type that is most likely to happen in public.
Full
scale
Full scale can happen in different ways, however, the basic pattern
is the same. First there is an emotion such as anger, panic or fear.
Then heavy crying which spirals into wailing on the floor. Once
started, there is very little that can be done to stop it. It is
incredibly scary for me as well as for anyone around me. For me, it's
like I am being controlled by something or someone else - like in the
movies with a character possessed by the devil. When I try to get my
body to stop, I have no control. Then, at some random moment, I feel
my self released from this outside force. I can literally feel it
leave me. It is very freaky.
Regression:
Out
of control
This is very different from the other meltdowns. In this case there
is no big action. Regression is when I speak like a little kid. I
cannot make full sentences and I use simple words. However, included
under the heading regression is also the inability to speak a word or
to speak in English. Often I have trouble making sound come out even
if I can form the words. Sometimes I can make sounds in super girl
languages but not in English. In some cases I can only speak to one
or two people. Sometimes I use body language and gestures based on
super girl languages. In these cases, I have almost no ability to get
back into normal English until I am released. When I am in a
regressive meltdown, I have the sensation that someone flicked some
switch in my brain, and until whoever did that decides to turn it
back to normal, there's not much I can do about it.
Spasms:
Jerks
Jerks are when the muscles in my arms, shoulders, legs or back
contract quickly and without warning. Sometimes they are small and
solitary, but at times they happen over and over. Jerks are scary,
but they are less scary to me than the full body spasms. The jerking
motions are embarrassing when they happen in public. A shoulder
jerking forward, an arm rocketing to my chest, or a leg suddenly
kicking out hardly ever occurs without someone noticing. Then I am
stuck trying to explain what is going on. There are things I can
attempt to do to make these episodes less obvious. For example:
tightening my fingers into a clawish position, or squeezing my legs
together will sometimes help.
Full
body
Full body spasms come in two types. The first is that from a sitting
or standing position I fold at the waist, my head goes to my knees
and my hands to the floor. The second occurs only when I am lying
down. This type is similar in that I am folding at the waist. The
difference is that most of the spasm occurs in my legs. My chest
flies forward and my legs fly up - like some odd form of a
sit-up-like workout. I have found that with observation and a
constant reassessing of where I am, I can predict these episodes
with some accuracy. When I can feel that something is about to
happen, I can do things such as cross my legs, lean on something, or
hold on to something to hold off the spasm. But once started, the
spasm is impossible to stop. I am flung around repeatedly. At times,
these spasms can go on for more than five minutes. It is extremely
exhausting and scary. To not have control of my body is really a
terrifying experience.
Collapse:
Weakness
Often I experience my knees and/or back become weak. When this
happens, if I can get to a wall and/or something to support me I can
fairly quickly regain balance. Another option that may help is to
dance. It may sound odd, but if I am moving to the music, most of the
weakness goes away. This weakness is frustrating. At first I was
scared when these episodes happened, however, they happen so
frequently that now they are just an everyday thing.
Full
collapse
On some occasions the weakness turns into a full collapse. In this
case, walls and/or supports do nothing to help. I HAVE to sit down.
It does not matter where I am or what I am doing; there is NO option.
Often the need to sit turns into an inescapable need to lie down.
Often I find myself lying on kitchen or bathroom floors. My
hypothesis is that I go to those locations in search of something to
help me feel better. Food, drink, water, cool water on my face, and
emptying my bladder will often help hold off the emotional and/or
physical symptoms before a collapse. But most of the time there is
little conscious warning. I think my brain unconsciously is trying to
help me. This would explain the majority of collapses in bathrooms
and kitchens.
PMS:
Cramps
Most months I get cramps. The intensity varies. Some months the pain
is so intense that I am unable to get off the couch or out of bed -
let alone go to school and function.
Some months I get almost no cramps. These months I am fully
functional. Going to school, volunteering at the library or Social
Service League, cooking, and walking are activities I can do with no
problem. Most months are in the middle of these two extremes. I'm not
as comfortable as usual, but heat packs and ibuprofen will keep me
functional
.
Back
pain
Along with other effects of PMS, I often get back pain. My lower back
gets a constant ache. This pain is stronger or weaker depending on
current emotional and
environmental factors.
Fatigue
With PMS I often feel sluggish. My muscles feel heavy and exhaustion
drains my body of energy. Most of the time my brain is clear during
this, but at times I am also in a brain fog. In this case, I have
trouble with daily tasks and functioning.
Muscle
pain:
Jumping
pain
Jumping pain is pain that doesn’t stay put. For example: I can have
a headache above my right ear. Then, without warning, the pain is
relocated to the back of my head. A moment later, it is located in my
knee. And so on… This is very frustrating and it is hard to
convince anyone that you have a problem. My hypothesis is that this
form of pain is brought on by anxiety.
Basic
pains
From growing pains to injuries, these pains stay in one place, yet
they are just as annoying as jumping pains. These pains can be small
to extreme. For me they have been both. Sometimes they are so bad
that I can't sit up or stand or walk, and at other times they are
just a bit annoying.
Finish
task:
Hiding
the pain
One thing that I will do is hide the negative emotion or physical
symptom as long as I need to, or can, in order to make the situation
play out in a way that is the best it can be for everyone. I don’t
want to disrupt a class, so I will wait until a lecture is over
before I ask for the break I need for some health issue. But, I will
often hide what's happening too well, then when I am not able to get
the help I need, I sometimes crash unexpectedly. But still, I look
at hiding the pain as a goal - a goal to be as small of a disruption
as possible in any situation.
Meltdown
manipulation:
Be
ready on time
I try my best to do everything expected of me, and more, but
sometimes that is a close call. I am often watching the time and
trying to balance the scale to be at the right spot at the right
time. A bit like space time, one changes then so does the other. So,
light and my stability arrive on time. ( That is a very loose
analogy.) I get very frustrated when I can’t control my
body/mind/brain well enough to do the things that I am expected –
and want – to do.
Hold
off until I get to a “safe” place
Everyone I have talked to, including myself, agrees that when it is
possible to crash in a safe place, I should. I am constantly
weighing options, pros and cons to try to make it to an appropriate
place to fall apart. For example: the middle of my high school class
is at the far end of the list, whereas, the nurse’s office is
higher up on the list. My goal is to have the least amount of
attention drawn to me as possible.
Others
First:
Put
myself on the back burner
It is my nature to put myself last. Others tell me I am wrong to do
so. I think putting myself on hold comes from both cultures. It is in
any super girl's DNA to put others first, as well as a trait that I
have taken on from human women. Personally, I think there is a time
and a place for everything. I have to weigh each person's needs and
wants - including my own. For example: if a classmate is upset and
talking with Rose, it is not the time for me to insist on studying in
Rose's office. Another example is that if I am with someone (doesn't
matter who) and she has an important family issue, or an emergency
with a client, I have absolutely no problem with giving her space to
take the call or contact them or whatever. Now if you're calling to
ask what kind of pizza you are having for dinner… that can wait...
Manipulating
wave direction:
Push
the positive
One skill that I often use is “push the positive”. When using
this skill, I keep going. It's the “dance till you drop” idea,
only literally. When I feel an unwanted emotion coming I can “outrun
it”. I just keep doing things and stay as busy as I can. The
downside of this is that negative emotions are sneaky, and if I use
this skill then the emotion will strike later without any warning. In
this case it could strike at an undesirable time. For example: in a
store.
Crunching
The
Numbers:
Watch
the clock
When I need to do something to help myself, watching the clock is a
way that I can see how much time I have and where I am. I ask myself
things like: what are my options based on my location and how much
time I have. Then I find the middle ground
between what will help me most and what is best for others in the the
situation. I look at the time and plan my next move out by the amount
of time I have to do what I need to do. For example: if I decide I
need to take a break to dance or use music to re-center, I may use
the excuse of “I’m going to the bathroom”. Now, if I spent 20
or 30 minutes in the bathroom, people will start to worry, so I have
to plan my song list well enough to have me centered and able to be
part of the group in 5 minutes or less.
Before
The storm:
Preparation
Comfort
and symbols
There are several ideas that go under this heading. The one I use
most I call pockets. I often carry meditation rocks, and charms in my
pockets. I often wear a variety of charms around my neck. These are
significant to me and are used in many ways. Some are mood
regulators, others are connections to specific people. Another thing
I often do is use symbols, such as numbers and letters and cultural
symbols. These are often written on my hand or on a piece of paper
and put in my pocket. The last of my resources in this category is to
wear or carry an article of clothing that connects me to a specific
person, time, or location.
Mental
prep
With a long enough time period, I can use one of my strategies I call
mental prep. This skill uses some advance guidance in order to have
better luck being in the desired mood at the desired time. There are
long term and short term methods. To be considered long term, I would
start planning more than an hour in advance. I often plan 36 hours in
advance. Other times I use mental prep in a short term. In this case,
I usually use music to control and guide myself into a particular
emotion. Mental prep is a gamble as to whether it will actually work.
There is very little downside other than this possibility.
Outfit
In planning for a potentially stressful event, I like to raise my
self confidence. One way I do this is to dress up - make myself look
as cute, smoking hot, or professional as possible. One of my friends
in my alternate culture often helps me find outfits and hairstyles
that make me feel good about myself. This makes my confidence rocket.
Planning
Back
up plan
I often run into issues along the way, such as not catching a bus, or
forgetting my phone. I normally have a backup plan for the backup
plan for the backup plan. I will make plans for several bus times
and numbers. Another example is that I have phone numbers saved in my
phone as well as multiple paper copies stashed in multiple places.
Another thing I do is make backup plans as I am going along. So,
every time the situation changes, I adjust my backup plans in the
hopes that one will work. One of my favorite quotes is: “If plan A
fails, the alphabet has 25 more letters.”
Escape
I find that I am less stressed and much calmer if I have a set plan
for times I can’t handle an event or situation. This may be as
simple as a bathroom break. It can also be as complex as having
someone ready to come pick me up. An escape plan can be thought up by
me or another person. However, what works best is to have a
collaboration of me and another person. This person may be at the
event or may just help me plan and then be available if needed.
In
The
Storm:
Control
of music
Music has always been a big part of my life. Music has also been able
to have control of my emotions. For the most part, music is willing
to take the wheel and guide me into any state of mind. I have some
songs that will bring me down and others that keep me going.
Depending on the current state I am in, listening to a particular
song will have a very different impact. I have learned which song
will do what, based on my mood/physical state. So, I pick the path
and the music is my guide. Like tourists in a nature park. Tourists
pick a path and the tour guide leads the way. I can often feel the
music pull me. Sometimes it's like I'm a rag doll being tossed about.
Other times it's like the music floods through my body, controlling
me. There are more ways music interacts with me - but that's for
another time.
Things
that calm me down
I have what appears to be a long list of methods to calm down, but in
reality, I only have a few. This is because only some will work in a
specific moment. I often know exactly what skill I need to calm
myself, however, the method needed is not always possible. I have to
organize the list by what will help, and then go down the list to
find one that will work in the situation. For example: I can’t
take a relaxation bath when I am at a
concert. At the end of “Ripple In Time” is a list of my coping
skills.
(My
alternate reality family)
how
we roll
Why?
At times I will not respond well (if at all) to calm, supporting
assistance when I am upset. I am not talking about just crying or
what not. I am talking about full on screaming-crying on the floor.
In these rare cases, one of the girlz from my alternate culture takes
charge. She may say something like "Get your fucking ass off the
god damn floor. Get your ass in here and take your god damn meds."
It sounds awful, but sometimes it's the only thing that works.
Limited
people
Now the thing to understand is that only some of the girlz can say
this and have a good response. I do not recommend this method to
anyone without talking to Harper or one of the original royal
sisters; so in short, bad idea for humans to try this.
Everyone
needs and gives help
All of us have issues and often desperately need support. We all
support each other in our times of need. It's our main survival
method. It is the most effective way for me to get support. AKA by
someone who really cares and has been through bad times too.
Peer support is really the only thing that keeps the pieces together.
A hug, a sympathetic smile that makes one smile uncontrollably even
through tears. It's one of the most precious things…with true love
being the best – of course.
Pecking
order of needs
Four things are considered during an internal debate over who to help
first. The first is: whose needs are the most urgent? For example:
one assignment is due tomorrow, the other, next week. Which does one
do first? The second consideration is: how serious is the need? If
one kid has a skinned knee and the other a broken bone sticking out
of the skin, who do you help first? The third is heart. An example
is: does one help an acquaintance before one helps a best friend? The
fourth is: can the person wanting help do it alone or does s/he
really need someone else's help? For example: one student understands
the assignment but is too lazy and likes to complain, so he asks for
help.
Another student wants to learn the material but is really confused.
Who do you help first?
Each
other's issues
There are often stresses going on. There is no avoiding them. They're
like the pollen that floats through the air. It's hard not to breath
them in. We pick up on each other's waves of stress easily and often
bounce it back and fourth until it gets big enough to explode.
Someone outside of the mess often has to step in and deflate the
balloon before that happens. As we calm down,we can support each
other. Some of the time we realize that the stressor did not even
exist.
Small
family disagreements
In my family, as with all families (and for that matter all groups of
people), no one agrees 100% on everything. I try to add people to my
family who are willing to "agree
to disagree"... aka not start WWIII. Differences of opinion are
normal and common in any family. Our family is so diverse that we
often experience uncomfortable and awkward situations. We just laugh
it off later. Family quarrels don’t last long and have never gotten
violent.
Protect
each other
We as a family stick together. I have done multiple things to help my
family - things like taking unwanted attention from one of them and
directing it to myself (still unwanted). In order to function, we all
have to look out for each other. I have found myself defending one of
the girls who was once my enemy. I tell people " talk down about
me, insult me, portray me as you please, but don't you ever insult my
loved ones, my family." Insulting my loved ones is the best way
to set me over the edge. It doesn't matter if they are a power,
human, in color, or out of color, family is family and we do whatever
it takes (minding the color laws) to protect them. It may appear to
an outsider that she is being hurtful to only one. But that's an
illusion because the outsider doesn't see the whole. We all are in it
together. By helping one another, we as a whole become stronger than
ever before. Take one stick and it breaks easily. But the more sticks
you have, the harder it is to break.
Infinite
love
My family keeps growing and so does the love. The more we distribute
the more we have. We believe that home is where the love is and blood
relation does not make love. It doesn't matter if you are
biologically related to us or not, because love is blind and doesn't
know what DNA is. Our family is not just super girls or even just
powers. There are many butterflies (humans) and kids - human, dogs,
cats, pigs, and birds... Once you're in the family, you're in forever
– all your lives. This means even if and when you go out and make a
life for yourself. In 50 years you're welcome to call and come over.
We are always going to be here for you if you're family. There is a
song from one of the Ice Age movies that really speaks to all of us.
It's titled "We Are". Many sections of the song sum up the
basics. For example:
So what?
We don't look, we don't act, We don't walk, we don't talk Like you
do.
So what?
If we hang just a hang, and no shame. We both do what we want to,
Cause we come from everywhere, Searching for ones to care.
Somehow we found it here. We found us a home.
Center
groups
Center groups are small groups within the whole family. These groups
are extremely close. Most of these groups have been together through
the good and the bad, the tears and the laughs. They grew up
together. These are the kind of inseparable companions that will
really go to the ends of the universe to help you. You put them
above all others, including, for example, your wife or fiancee. One
of the best things about these groups is that no matter what dumb,
idiotic, cruel thing you do, there is no possible way to stay mad at
them. You know them like “the back of your hand”. You can tell
the moment their mood changes. It's like your minds are syncronized;
the others know your every breath. It's one of the most beautiful and
amazing experiences to have people you can trust with anything, and
they can trust you with anything.
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