Breathe With Me

Unedited....
using Blake

Breathe With Me

set on a bad day Summer 2015

 I slowly pull myself from my peaceful slumber. What is that noise? god damn its my alarm. What song is that? “Come on, get up” Mar coos shaking my leg.

“After this time through the song” I beg. Rolling over I pull the covers tighter. I WILL get up after this song. I will. I will. I Will! The song ends.

“Come on.” Mar insists. “Now.”

“Fine” I agree. Reaching up I find my phone under the pillow, wires, DVD player, and DVD boxes and turn off the alarm. 8:04 shines on the screen. As I throw off the covers I remember that I left my air vent open. The cold burn my skin and burrows deep into my flesh. I try and yank the covers on.

“No, come on.” Mar coos and I obey. I try and hide the headache starting from the cold. As I stand up I realize I need to hurry to the bathroom. “I gotta go potty” I wimpier. Grabbing my once pink bathrobe I run to my bedroom door. My rush is slowed by the difficulties of putting on the bathrobe. Mar reaches to help. I turn and hiss. She backs off.

Finally I get the bathrobe on. Quickly I'm in the bathroom and throwing the bathrobe off. As I finish my business the spasms threaten. My back arches. I can't breathe. Panting I hag on the tub next to me. The blood rushes from my head. “You alright?” Mar calls through the door. “yeah. Be out in a sec”

standing up I wash up. Turning I see that there are no towels. Damn it. I dry my hands on my bathrobe then put it back on. Walking out Mar puts her hand on my back and guides me to my room. “Let's get you dressed.” she suggests. We enter and I close the door.

What day is it? What did I do yesterday? I worked on art and watched movies most of the day. Oh and I did dishes.... the day before? I had Deborah.... and group. A knot forms in my gut. Why can't I just be functional.... normal... because normal does not exist. Smiling a sad smile I realizes Mar has been trying to ask me something.

“What?” I ask.

“Are you going to get dressed?” Mar asks.

“Right.” I respond and begin looking for the out fit I took off last night. I slip on the green and blue mini shorts and pink padded cami tank top. I pull my hair up. Feeling slightly better I ask “It's Sunday, right?”

“yep.”

“Do I do anything to day?” I question as I put my glasses on. Then I walk around my curtain to get my phone. Picking up my cuddle blanket and heating pad as well I hang on tight.

“you have zumba.” Mar offers. “Come.” Mar instructs. We head out into the living room. I went strait to the couch. I tossed a few things aside and sit down in the corner of the couch. Comfort covers me. I feel safe. Mar sits across the room from me.

“Can I come in?” comes a voice from the door. “Yeah J.” I call.

“Hey chicklet, Feel any better?” Jess asks.

Better? What happened last night? Visions of the night before came flooding back. The panic, the fear, the hallucinations. I reach for Jess, making grabbing motions. Jess sits down next to me. Petting my hair she answers her own question. “Not really hu?”

I fall over into her. Everything was quiet as she pets my hair. Suddenly without control I jump up. “Hungry!” I announce.

“Well then.” Jess laughs “cheeka choo you should eat something.”

“Yeah.” I state and motion for Jess and Mar to follow. I bounce my way to the dog block board and climb over.

In the kitchen I open one cabinet or fridge after another. Round and round the room the same places over and over. “Good morning.” Alison greets me as she comes in from outside.

“No food!” I state. What am I doing. This won't go well with her!

“There is plenty of food here.” Alison states. “There is bread. There is cereal. There is leftovers from last night”

blah. blah. blah. Just stay calm. Don't up set her more. “I don't like those.” I pout. Why can't my body do what I want it to? It's being controlled by the little monster. I don't like this little monster!

“I don't know what to tell you. That's what we got.” Alison replies. “I'm going out side. You should join me in a while” I can tell that I have annoyed her. We hear the door close.

“That could have gone worse.” Mar states “Agreed” Jess responds.

They both look to me. “Hungry.” I state.

Jess sighs. “Come on little one. What is here that you will eat?”

“Hungry” I say again then walk over the dog block and back to my seat on the couch and pick up my phone. I stare at it for a few minutes. I blink, trying to get my brain to work. Felling my body stand up I assume some part of me knows what I need. I let my body lead myself to my room. I turn and spot my headphones. The light in my head comes on. As the pieces fall into place.

When I come back into the living room Jess and Mar are sitting on the couch opposite my spot. “Hi Hi” I laugh. Then turn to my seat. CAT. I try to push him out of my seat. “Move.” I insist. With one final push he gets his large black harry body out of my seat.

My brain has locked me out again. I sit down. Something was under me. Pulling it out I see that it's the movie we have been watching over and over and over. After frantically looking for the remote I find it. Only to realize I had to turn the T.V. on first. Getting up I run to the T.V.. turning it on I squeal and tun back to my seat.

“Dude, can you quiet down out there? I'm trying to sleep!” Blake calls from his room. I look at the clock. 9:07.

“No. It's up time.” I laugh. “Whatever.” Blake responds.

Chapter 2

the door opens. Roxy, Vic, Val, and Harper come into the room, mid conversation.

“Shhhhhh! Movie!” I call making shewing motions. What are they talking about... Is it something I need to know? Or should know??

Harper sits down next to me. “She's not feeling much better.. is she?” Val asks. “No, this is better then last night...” Harper responds

“Shhh! Movie!!” I say bouncing on the couch. Val gives Harper an 'are you sure' look.

But it's Vic who answers. “She's not experiencing the paranoia or panic. True she's regressing but it's not as bad...”

I put my hands over my ears. “MOVIE!!!” I yell

“Tabby, what have you eaten today?” Roxy asks. I look at her puzzled. “We couldn't get her to eat anything.”Jess replies.

Roxy walks over to me and holds out her hands. I look from up at her to her hands then back again. I point to the TV. “Movie.” I say.

“Come on. Food time.” Roxy states. She helps me up and we head to the kitchen. “Is Alison outside?” Roxy asks.

“yep” Jess says.

I walk to the big fridge, open it and sigh dramatically. Feeling Roxy come up behind me I turn. “Have some of the chicken pot pie from last night.” Roxy instructs. I grunt and stomp my foot. “Come on, honey. Food will help” Roxy says her tone calm and caring.

Staring at her I smile. She's right. Why is she always right?? I take the food from the fridge and put a large helping on a plate. After a minute in the microwave I jump and giggle when the alarm goes off. Grabbing my food and a fork quickly. I stop for a moment. Thinking. “BaBa” I state, slamming my food back into the microwave.

Rushing I begin to step over the dog barrier. My left foot gets caught, and down I go. “Fucking Hell!” I yell. “Mar!” Tears run down my face.

“I'm right here.” mar says. I look up to see I'm surrounded. Everyone has rushed in. I put my head back down on the floor.

Harper squats down next to me and rubs my shoulder. “Hey, baby girl. Kitty? Are you going to get up?”

foot steps come thumping through the house. “Dude, you ok? I have been calling” Blake asks. “fuckin barrier” I say.

“Do you want me to help you up?” Blake asks. “yeah.” I manage.

He helps me painfully to my feet. “didn't you hear me calling?” “No” I state

“The movie menu has been playing very loudly.” He explains

I pick up my water bottle and taking a gingerly step on my foot I say “Hungry” then turn. “where you going?” Blake asks

“Hungry” I say again. I slide the barrier out of my way and hobble to the microwave. Food in hand I fill my bottle at the water dispenser and walk back to my spot

I look at the clock: 10:30. carefully I sit down on the couch and push play on the movie.

***

As I finish my food Alison comes in the front door with barking dogs at her heels. She walks through the room and disappears into the kitchen followed by the three barking dogs. The dogs are blocked in the living room by the dog block. I stare after them. After a few moments I shrug and not so gently set my dishes on the floor.

Alison walks back through the living room carrying the green five gallon bucket full of leftovers for the birds. “Take your dishes to the kitchen” Alison instructs over the dogs barking.

“MOVIE!” I say “Dogs shhhhh!” I reply

“The dogs have to stay inside while I feed the birds” Alison says, ignoring my annoyance. Without waiting for a response she heads outside and closes the door. Brandi and Cookie jump over me to look out the window. They are soon followed by Alphie who tries to climb in my lap.

“GET OFF!” I yell as I try and push the dogs onto the floor and off of me. I struggle for a minute or two with no luck.

“What's all that noise?” Blake calls “Stupid dogs!” I yell

“There not allowed in the living room.” Blake reminds me “I know. Talk to mom.” I call back

“Honey, take your plate to the kitchen” Jess says “And you need your meds too” Roxy adds

I look at the clock. 11:45. I look at the TV. To my surprise the movie is over and the menu fills the screen. Shit! My meds are really late. Why didn't Roxy say something sooner. Don't blame her. Your in charge of your own meds....

I jump up from the couch pushing the dogs aside. Alphie looks at me as if to say 'finally she's up' then currles up in my spot. I go to try and move him. But Roxy catches my arm. “Meds honey.” she says softly. I let her lead me to the kitchen.

I get my med box down from on top of the refrigerator. Setting it on the table I open it and stare inside. “BaBa” I state and rush back towards the living room. I nearly run into Vic but she gets out of the way in time.

“Careful” Vic reminds me. I slide the dog barrior out of the way and wait for the dogs to come ruhing through. Once I have gotten my bottle from the couch I hurry back and slide the barrior closed.

“BaBa empty” I explain to the full room. “Fill it up then, Kitty” Harper instructs

As I am filling the bottle Dana walks in. “you know she hasn't had her meds yet” Dana says to Roxy. I stick my tongue out at Dana.

“Were working on meds.” Roxy says to Dana. Then turns to me. “Come on baby girl. Med time”

“Yes.” I state, then laugh. I bounce over to the med box. After taking my meds I hear David come inside.

“Are you going to zumba today?” He asks. “Zumba. Yes.” I state

“Shouldn't you be getting ready?” he asks. “What time do you want to go?

“Can we go in about ten minutes?” I ask looking at the clock. 11:55. Zumba is at one... can I pull this off?

“Blake want's to meet a friend downtown at 12:30 so that should be fine.” David explains. “OK.” I agree then head to my room to get ready.

Chapter 3

“Where is it?!” I ask myself frustrated. “Where the hell is it?”

“What are you looking for?” Vic asks as she comes into my room, Marly standing behind her.

“My shorts to go under my dress” I hiss. Vic looks back at Marly. Marly sighs and walks around my bed.

“Come here.” Marly calls to me. I reluctantly follow her. Marly points to my bunk bed. Hanging over the side are my shorts and the dress I had on on Friday.

Squealing I grab my shorts and begin jumping up and down. “Your welcome” Marly says. All I can do is giggle.

“Thank you” Vic says.

“Are you about ready?” David calls.

“Almost!” I call back. Shit... “I hurry.” as I change I inevitably quickly get stuck in my top. Marly and Vic both try and help. But I hiss until they let me alone. In changing my shorts I get tangled again and fall over, catching myself on the head of my bed. This time I let both Marly and Vic help me balance.

Quickly I toss my bags together. Then double count. DVD player, DVD's, Heating pad, phone charges, gym clothes...

“Come on!” Blake calls. I look at my phone clock. 12:15. Crap. I grab my three bags and rush out of my room. Quickly I find my shoes under the couch in the living room. I sit down and start to fight with the buckles. After what seams like an hours battle I get them on. The clock says 12:20. I grab my stuff and rush to the car.

Once loaded into our four door white truck we head out. Those other then Blake, David and myself joining in the double space. “We're dropping me off first.” Blake insists. I ignore him and turn my music up. Several people growned.

“This song again??” Dana asks.

I stick my tongue out in reply. I check my email,only to be annoyed that no one had responded. I switch to looking at my pintrest. I giggle as I bookmark some recipes. Quickly I look up to see if anyone heard me. Keep your fucking mouth shut.

Soon we pull up to the local coffee shop and Blake jumps out. “Do you want to getup front?”Blake asks.

“No just GO! I'm late!” I reluctantly look at my phone, 12:40. “Nana better be ready”

Blake slams the car door and David drives away. It seems to take forever to get to Nana and Pop's. Finally we pull up. David reaches across and opens the front passenger door so that I can open my door. Why would someone build a car with doors that nest so you can't get out of the back with out help!

I grab my stuff and rush up to the house only to find that the door is locked. “God Damnit.” I exclaim. I drop my stuff and try and dig out my key. Just as I find it Pop opens the door. “Is Nana ready?” I ask.

“She's not feeling well.” Pop replies. “She asked me to take you to the gym. Are you ready now?”

“Yes!” I say, pushing past him. I set my stuff down and then pick up my gym bag and purse. “Let's go.” I rush out side again. “Which car?”

“Well I have the key for the Lincoln, So I guess we will take that one.” Pop explained

I run to the car as he unlocks the door with the button. I climb in and check the time as Pop slowly climbs in. 12:48!

After what seemed like the longest drive ever we finally reached the gym. I jump from the car and run into the building. Just barely remembering to close the car door. As I check in I look at the time. 12:57.

I thank the girl behind the desk. She looks familiar. Late, Right. Harper and Marly followed me to the locker room. I change quickly, willingly letting Marly and Harper help me. Urgently throwing my stuff into a locker I lock it and rush to class.

The class has already started when I get to the door. I stop and look in. My chest burns. I can’t breathe. “Go on in, Sugar.” Dana encourages me. I look back at her. And take a deep breath. You got this. It's what you’re supposed to do. Think about how good it will look to your team... I take another deep breath and look back at Dana. “It’s ok. You got this. I won’t leave you.” Dana says. Smiling and shaky I turn and walk into class.

I begin to join in. trying to keep up. Soon the anxiety lightens. I look at the clock every so often. 1:20. How much fucking longer! This is too much activity!

1:40. I laugh “join in!” I call to the girlz.

They look at each other. “We’re good.” Marly says 1:55 Aww… this must be the last song.

As the class exits my brain gets foggy again, the need to run becomes overpowering. I grab my water bottle then without even looking back at the girlz I rush out the door. I don’t need to worry. Harper is only a step behind. I dodge through the busy lobby. No thoughts form. Just the tension in my chest getting tighter and tighter.

By the time I reach my locker I am shaking so much it’s hard to unlock it. Once I finally get it open I start to change. I accept lots of help from Harper and Marly. After what seems like hours I grab my bags and rush outside, not even bothering to shut my locker.

As I finally get outside I scan the parking lot for a recognizable car. Nothing. The shaking gets worse. I drop my phone trying to call Nana’s to figure out where my ride is.

“Hello?” Nana’s voice answers.

“Is someone on their way to get me?” I ask. I hope my voice isn’t too shaky. “You ready?” Nana asks.

“Yep!” I state.

“Alight, Pop’s on his way.” Nana says “Thanks” I say.

“Yep, see you soon. Bye.” Nana hangs up.

I look at my phone, holding my phone tightly trying to see the time blurred by my shaking. 2:20. “He should be here in about 7 minutes” I turn the music up, pocket my phone, and grip the railing.

I feel a hand on my back. Turning I see Vic. Breathe, baby girl, just breathe. I look away. Staring at the parking lot. Keeping her hand on my back Vic looks out with me. “You’re alright, little one. We will be out of here soon.”

Harper’s mind hugs mine as she walks up on the other side of me. She brushes my hair off my shoulder. Every cell in my body craves to turn and let her hold me. It takes almost all my strength to fight it. Harper quickly picks up on this and back’s off. The three of us look ahead waiting for Pop to come.

Eventually I can’t stand it. I shakily get out my phone. I move slowly and with purpose so as not to drop it again. 2:25. The urge to run builds. I grip the rail tighter and pocket my phone.

I hear someone touch down. “Hey, J?” Harper calls

“On it!” Jessica responds.

I feel Jessica come up behind me. She puts her hands on my waist. The three of them, Harper, Vic, and Jessica forming a barrier. Helping to keep me from running. I must really be bad.

Chapter 4

Finally Pop pulls up. I release the railing and walk to the car with the girlz still surrounding me. As we drive home the tightness in my chest and the need to run builds and builds. When we finally pull up I get out of the car as quickly as possible. I nearly fall running up the porch steps.

I run in the door. Make it stop. Please stop. "Come on. Lets go" Jessica encourages.

I pass through the kitchen. I don't see the world around me. I can't breathe. My heart pounds. As I fight against my whimpering and gasping I am just barely able to grasp that nana and Bake are at the table. Someone speaks to me. I do not hear. Why is Blake here? It doesn't matter. GO!

I thunder down the stairs slamming the door behind. Thought is so far from reach. The girlz take over. "Use the bathroom" Vic instructs. Even without thinking abilities I know it will help and what the game plan is. As I come around the curtain she will pull me into dance. Memorizing me with the music. Giving music and her full control of me.

I fight the urge to scream. “spider” I call. “Just go” Jess complains and I do.

As I come around the curtain I am anticipating being drawn into dance. We are cut short by a voice. “Tabby? Tabby are you OK?”

Still gasping for air I say “Fine. I just really had to pee.”

“you sure? Nana and I thought we heard you sobbing.” Blake asks

I can tell I can't hold on much longer, and doing so will only make things worse. I fold at the waist with something between a laugh and sobbing coming from my mouth. I try and walk around him. He walks around me. “you should sit.” he suggests.

Trying to make my brain work I gather abstract concepts. I can't go upstairs, too many people. The dance idea is no longer going to work. I can't upset him. I don't have a choice. I sit next to him on the bed. The episode is still raging. I feel my chest moving and sound coming out my mouth. Am I laughing or crying? I spasm and fall onto my side. That sound doesn't stop. Am I laughing or crying? Hysteria.... everything Blake says is prompting that sound. I hope I'm not freaking him out. Please don't leave. Please please don't leave.

After a few minutes or what seamed like hours I feel ready to go upstairs. “Are you going up first or should I go up first?” Blake asks

“When I get this bad. I'm not usually In charge of that kind of decision” I laugh. Then realize I'm still not OK.

“Are you more likely to fall down the stairs on top of me or fall down the stairs and grab my leg pulling me down too?”

“I'm not going to fall” I say and hand my water bottle to him. I hope I don't fall. We head up stairs.

As I walk into the kitchen Nana asks. “Are you alright?”

I fight the urge to run downstairs. “Hungry.” I say. “Ok, so that’s not exactly an answer….” I walk to the fridge.

“Wash your hands, please.” Nana says. I do, noting that the shaking had barely slowed. Than I head back to the fridge. “Their are some left over pork chops and sweet potatoes from last night.” Nana offers. I get out the dish of sweet potatoes holding them tightly with both hands. I set them on the counter and find the ziplock of pork chops in the fridge. “Make sure you shut both doors” Nana reminds me. I check that their closed. Grab a plate and heat my food in the microwave.

Sitting down I look at the time. 3:08. I begin to eat. Some parts are too cold others too hot but I don’t care. “So how was zumba?” Nana asks.

“It was ok.” I reply. “Just ok?” Nana asks. “It was fine.” I say.

“OK.” Nana replies then gets up.”I’m going to lay down awhile.” she says and heads upstairs. And I’m thankful she took the hint.

I eat quickly shaking so much I kept dropping food. “Dude, seriously? Are you ok?” blake asks me.

“Not really” I say. Taking my dishes to the sink I rinse them and head into the living room. I grab my computer then head to the couch. I get two big pillows out and both blankets. I sit down with my legs stretched out knees up over the pillows. Than cover up with the blankets wrapping one around my shoulders.

I log on to my computer but anything I try and work on my chest gets tight. Plus my hands are shaking so much typing is extremely difficult. So I close my computer and check my phone for the time. 4:25.

I hear Nana coming down the steps. The tightness comes back as she comes into the living room. “Do you know who’s picking you up today?” she asks.

I shrug. “No idea” I say.

Nana nods. “How you doin, kid?” she asks me. “I’m good.” I lie.

“Good.” she says, and heads into the kitchen.

I relax. “I doubt she bought that.” Windy comments standing in the doorway. “At least she left” I say.

“Yeah…” Windy says, lost in thought. “What?” I ask

“Just worried about you” She replied. I didn’t believe her but I didn’t push it. Instead I just looked out the window. My eyes starting to burn as i fought tears.

She sat down at the end of the couch and patted my leg. She sang softly. One of the songs mom use to sing to me when I was really little. I kicked my leg. I really didn’t want to cry now. “Alright Honey, I’ll stop.” But she didn’t leave. She knew that would only make things worse. We sat in silence looking out the window.

Finally I got out my phone. 4:45. I put my headphones on and started my audio book. After a few minutes Windy got up and headed to the kitchen. Probably to find Jessica. It didn’t matter. I hardly noticed. I was so absorbed in my audio book. I looked out the window but only saw what was going on in the book.

I jumped at Nana’s touch on my leg. “Your dad says it would be best if you stayed for dinner. Does spaghetti sound good? You can have whatever pasta you like.” Nana suggests.

“Sure.” I reply.

“You ok?” Nana asks.

“Yeah. I’m listening to a book.” I explain

“OK. I will call you when dinner’s ready. What kind of pasta do you want?” Nana asks. “The spirals are fine” I say.

“Alright” Nana says and heads to the kitchen.

I backup my book a few minutes and continue listening.

Chapter 5

“Tabby? Tabby? Earth to Tabby?” A voice calls.

I look up and saw Nana in the doorway. How long was she standing their?? “Dinner is ready.” Nana says.

I take off my headphones and pause my book. I look at my phone. 7:03. I really was into that book… I look out the window. Two squirrels chase each other up one tree and down another. I smile. Standing slowly I hear my phone and headphones crash to the floor. I bend to get them. A knot forming in my throat. I fight for air and head to the kitchen with both of them.

I climb around to my side of the table. Doing my best to regulate my breathing and put a smile on my face. Within moments people are getting up to put food on their plates.

I put on my headphones and select a sad song. I stare out the window but don’t see what I’m looking at. My mind is blank. It becomes hard to breathe as the song gets to the chorus. “Tabby. Tabby?” Pop calls. I am pulled from my trance. “You gonna eat?” he asks.

“Yeah” I say. Checking to make sure my phone is on the table I stand up. After loading my plate with way less food than usual I retake my seat.

People begin eating but I just look at my food. Pushing my noodles around on my plate. “Oh, I forgot. You normally like a bowl, don’t you” Nana asks. “You can get one.” Nana starts to stand.

“No. It’s ok.” I force out. “Alright” Nana responds.

I feel a hand on my shoulder. “Eat something, please” Dana says. “No.” I say.

“Don’t make me get nasty” Dana warns.

I force a bite, trying to hide my shaking. It burns my mouth and my gag reflex kicks in. “No.” Dana instructs and I swallow the bite.

“Good. keep going.” Dana encourages.

As I continue to eat the urge to heave gets stronger and stronger. When two thirds of the pasta is gone Dana says “That’s enough baby girl”

I put down my fork. “You ok?” Nana asks. “Yeah, I’m going to go listen to my book” I say.

“Must be a good book” Nana says reaching for my hand.

Quickly I pull away. Stand and take my stuff into the living room. After situating myself on the couch I put on a sad song and check the time 8:00. I go back to looking out the window.

“I hope David gets here soon.” I say

“Do you want me to help you through concrete angel when we get home?” Jess asks.

“Yes …. Please….” I mumble. I sing softly along with the music. Fighting the tightness in my throat and the tears burning in my eyes. Eventually I close my eyes and drift into a half asleep state.

I am brought back to reality by the front door opening. Reluctantly I get up. Knowing that the second I’m fully awake the mental nightmare would be back. And right on que the tightness in my chest starts. I stand getting dizzier by the moment. I look at my phone 8:34.

“Come on!” Blake says. I pick up my computer and bottle. I shove my computer in my bag then run back to get my phone. I pick my stuff up.

“Are you planning to wear shoes home?” David asks.

“Right.” I go back and find them under the couch. I slip them on and pick my stuff back up. “Will I see you tomorrow?” Nana asks pulling me into a sideways hug.

“Yeah…” I say. I have something tomorrow…. What is it? “I have Debbie tomorrow” I say hoping my pause wasn’t too long.

Nana gives me one last squeeze and I head down the steps. “Please let my shaking not be obvious” I say to myself.

“And let’s hope you don’t fall” Vic adds. Matching my stride. I must look like I’m drunk i think as the tightness comes back.

“At least it’s the white truck” Vic offers. I try and smile but it doesn't work well. Vic puts her hand on my back as I climb in after my stuff. As I close the door the rest of the crew climbs into the SG part of the car. I hardly notice.

With every foot closer to home I get more and more choked by the emotions trying to get out. I use the music to get myself just on the edge of crashing. I know the first place I will go is my room. Let this out of me.

Inside me a war rages. My logic mind fighting to keep my emotional mind from taking control. It’s painful. My chest builds pressure inside like a balloon is inflating inside my rib cage. The lump in my throat swells until it feels like I got something double the size of a golf ball lodged in my neck. My eyes burn and I begin to feel dizzy.

“We’re almost there.” someone in the SG portion of the car says. But I can’t say for sure who. It’s comforting anyway. We pull into the driveway. I look at my phone. 8:58.

I get out of the car. “Calm… look natural” I say to myself. I fight the urge to run and walk carefully to my bedroom. Jessica is only a step behind. I switch the song as I walk in my bedroom door. Concrete Angel by Martina McBride. I close it quickly giving Jess just enough time to slip through.

My logic mind steps back and lets my emotional mind have full control. I don’t make it to my bed. Instead I collapse on the floor. I can’t breathe as the the emotion surges through me. I let it happen. My only focus is being as quiet as possible.

I feel my whole body shudder and tremble with each chorus as the emotional waves pounded me. Jessica was sitting beside me. She sang along. After the third time through the song I slowly came to the surface. Jess recognizing this put her hand on my shoulder and I stopped the music.

I laid there like that for a few minutes. Than grabbed Jessica’s hand. She squeezes my fingers then helps me sit up. My head was pounding. “I got a heavy episode hangover.” I say with a slight laugh.

“I’ll bet.” Jess agrees

Once standing I head around my bed and find some pajama pants and a t­shirt. I change without help and head for the kitchen to take meds. The wall clock says 9:30. Wow that long? I thought. I pass Alison sitting on the couch. She hardly looks up.

As I’m getting my meds Harper and Marly come in. “Maybe it would be better to spend the night with Harper.” Marly suggests.

“Yeah” Harper agrees.

“Sounds like a good idea.” Jessica agrees. “What do you think Tabby” I sigh. “Probably.”

I put the box away and Harper takes my arm. “Thanks girlz. Night.” we head for my room. Soon we’re both snuggled under the covers. I feel safe in Harper’s arms.